Things I Learned in the Back of a Cop Car
Today as I was attempting to drive to Hy-vee during lunch, my car thought it was a good idea to stop working. Being stuck in the middle of Cottage Grove, I did the only logical thing a freaking out, 17-year-old, female could think of. I called 911. Once the officer came and looked at my car, she let me climb in the back of her car and wait for the tow truck. As I sat in this place I thought I’d never be in, I compiled this list of things I learned.
1) People like to gawk.
Especially at those sitting in the back of cop car right outside the Jock Lot. So I experienced with several options. You can wave and act like you’re having the time of your life which in return gives you a face of confusion or laughter. The second is to slump down and look miserable and in extreme pain. This results in a sense of empathy or confusion from your onlooker. Either one is worth the pain of acknowledging you’re in the back of a cop car for the priceless face you see.
2) Wear waterproof mascara.
If you’re like me and super emotional your first reaction to realizing you’re entering the back of a cop car is to release a river of tears. Which, I won’t deny, I did. And moments like that, you hope you look like an easy, breezy, beautiful Covergirl to disguise your place of imprisonment. And runny mascara is not helping your case of attempting to seem normal.
3) The seats are not comfortable.
They are merely a hunk of plastic with little leg room. And in the dead of winter, your backside is going to be freezing even if the officer is nice enough to turn on the heat. So I’d suggest wearing layers if you plan on spending an hour and twenty minutes in the car.
4) Awkward silences.
No one likes awkward silences because, well, they’re awkward. But the worst is one with an officer. After discussing your car and why it most likely didn’t make it to the side of the road, you’ll be asked about class time you’re missing. And then you’ll move on to all of your extracurriculars in an attempt to make it seem like spending time with the cops is not a past time of yours. But then soon, you’ll run out of things to talk about and awkward awkward awkward silence shall ensue. So think about (legal) topics to discuss before you sit down.
5) The Radio.
The police radio will play the whole time while you’re in the car, so it’s a good time to catch up on the current crimes. Try not to seem too interested in the radio because that will lead to be the victim of suspicious glances and the radio will suddenly be off.
To cover up the absence of the police radio, they will turn it on to an FM station, will most likely be country. If you’re not a country fan, perhaps slip your iPod into your pocket before you’re shuffled into the back seat.
If humor is your source relief in a crisis, try to tone it down. Not everyone thinks it’s funny that your minivan is named LaFonda. And then that shall lead back to number four. And also don’t ask about current investigations that will also lead to more suspicious glares and awkward silences.
So all in all, if you don’t find spending your 5th hour in the back of a police car enticing, make sure your car works. But if you ever find yourself in such a predicament, hopefully these insights helped.
Katherine Goodwin, Business Manager
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Kitty McGurk, A&E Editor
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What worries me about this whole situation is the massive support this bill had before it went viral. The bill was almost sure to pass, despite pleas from Matt Epling’s parents, who the bill is named after, to at least not name the bill after their son, let alone pass it. Representatives shouldn’t have to be thrown under the rug by people with common sense on the internet before they realize the fault in their ideas. It’s cases like this, where blind partisan support on behalf of the either party makes it impossible for those with the ability to actually understand the legislation they are proposing and stop it, that make you really think about if our dual party system really is working the way it should.
Grant Kamin, Opinions Editor