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Things I Learned in the Back of a Cop Car

Today as I was attempting to drive to Hy-vee during lunch, my car thought it was a good idea to stop working. Being stuck in the middle of Cottage Grove, I did the only logical thing a freaking out, 17-year-old, female could think of. I called 911. Once the officer came and looked at my car, she let me climb in the back of her car and wait for the tow truck. As I sat in this place I thought I’d never be in, I compiled this list of things I learned.
1) People like to gawk.
Especially at those sitting in the back of cop car right outside the Jock Lot. So I experienced with several options. You can wave and act like you’re having the time of your life which in return gives you a face of confusion or laughter. The second is to slump down and look miserable and in extreme pain. This results in a sense of empathy or confusion from your onlooker. Either one is worth the pain of acknowledging you’re in the back of a cop car for the priceless face you see.
2) Wear waterproof mascara.
If you’re like me and super emotional your first reaction to realizing you’re entering the back of a cop car is to release a river of tears. Which, I won’t deny, I did. And moments like that, you hope you look like an easy, breezy, beautiful Covergirl to disguise your place of imprisonment. And runny mascara is not helping your case of attempting to seem normal.
3) The seats are not comfortable.
They are merely a hunk of plastic with little leg room. And in the dead of winter, your backside is going to be freezing even if the officer is nice enough to turn on the heat. So I’d suggest wearing layers if you plan on spending an hour and twenty minutes in the car.
4) Awkward silences.
No one likes awkward silences because, well, they’re awkward. But the worst is one with an officer. After discussing your car and why it most likely didn’t make it to the side of the road, you’ll be asked about class time you’re missing. And then you’ll move on to all of your extracurriculars in an attempt to make it seem like spending time with the cops is not a past time of yours. But then soon, you’ll run out of things to talk about and awkward awkward awkward silence shall ensue. So think about (legal) topics to discuss before you sit down.
5) The Radio.
The police radio will play the whole time while you’re in the car, so it’s a good time to catch up on the current crimes. Try not to seem too interested in the radio because that will lead to be the victim of suspicious glances and the radio will suddenly be off.
6) Country.
To cover up the absence of the police radio, they will turn it on to an FM station, will most likely be country. If you’re not a country fan, perhaps slip your iPod into your pocket before you’re shuffled into the back seat.
7) Humor.
If humor is your source relief in a crisis, try to tone it down. Not everyone thinks it’s funny that your minivan is named LaFonda. And then that shall lead back to number four. And also don’t ask about current investigations that will also lead to more suspicious glares and awkward silences.

So all in all, if you don’t find spending your 5th hour in the back of a police car enticing, make sure your car works. But if you ever find yourself in such a predicament, hopefully these insights helped.

Katherine Goodwin, Business Manager

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The Beauty Of The Beast… Washington High School
As I sit in this desk shortly after finishing my third final I can’t help but think to myself, what was that hell that I just went through? My head is officially unable to process thoughts and or produce anything. My eyeballs feel like they’ve been taken out of my head and dipped in a cup of alcohol, only to be placed back into my sockets. There is a string in the middle of my eyebrows, which is connected to my brain and continues to pull tighter and tighter. My hands and fingers feel as if they’ve just participated in a marathon and I’m finding it uncomfortable to even type at this rate. Oh yeah, and guess what? I will soon be dismissed from school, only to retreat to Coe College where I will spend two hours going over an 80 problem math assignment with my tutor, following a study session of a foreign language that will most likely result in tears.

Some may say, “Hey, you’re a junior, soon it will all be over and you’ll just be able to glide through your senior year without doing homework or studying once!” Wrong. We recently signed up for classes with our approaching senior year in mind and I have a full schedule of all AP classes apart from one. Another thought pops in to my head yet again… why? Let me tell you why and take a break from all of this complaining. This is Washington High School. We are one of the top schools in the nation and are also a National Blue Ribbon winner. Our principal eats AP tests for breakfast and knows every single student’s name within weeks of their freshman year. Our diversity alone puts other schools claiming to be diverse to shame and still manages to be one of the top schools in the area. As I sit in this desk with my pounding headache going over my stressful thoughts, all I can say is I’m proud to be a Washington Warrior. Hang in there fellow students, after Thursday we have a four day weekend, two weeks of doing practically nothing, and then Spring Break… so fight on Warriors.

Kitty McGurk, A&E Editor

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Matt’s Bill creates controversy
Matt’s Safe School Bill, a bill in Michigan that would, according to Republicans, protect children in school from bullying was heavily undermined by a single clause that stated if students had “a sincerely held religious belief or moral conviction” for bullying, they couldn’t be charged for any kind of torturous actions directed at their peers. Or in simpler terms, Republicans were attempting to protect their Christian children from any kind of punishment after bullying gay, or any minority, students to death.

I first heard about this bill through a YouTube video from Senator Gretchen Whitmer, who bashed Michigan Republicans for creating a “blueprint for bullying”, and so did the other 160,000 who have already viewed her empowering speech. This started a movement to stop the atrocious bill from passing and luckily because of the publicity generated by the internet, the provision to protect bullies has been removed, and the bill will probably not pass.

What worries me about this whole situation is the massive support this bill had before it went viral. The bill was almost sure to pass, despite pleas from Matt Epling’s parents, who the bill is named after, to at least not name the bill after their son, let alone pass it. Representatives shouldn’t have to be thrown under the rug by people with common sense on the internet before they realize the fault in their ideas. It’s cases like this, where blind partisan support on behalf of the either party makes it impossible for those with the ability to actually understand the legislation they are proposing and stop it, that make you really think about if our dual party system really is working the way it should.

Grant Kamin, Opinions Editor

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